December 4th, 2002

Dear Mr Squirrel...

Hello. You don't know me, but I am the custodian of the garden in which you've been spending a lot of time just lately. As such, I would appreciate a moment of your time to review one or two points of information.

1) Bird feeders. These are items filled with assorted seeds and are, as the name would suggest, intended for the use of the local bird population. While it would be churlish of me to deny you some food from these instruments from time to time, I do feel that monopolising them for tens of minutes at a time is perhaps a little excessive. I'm sure that the contortions you have to go through to acquire the seeds must be very beneficial for your general health, not to mention being amusing to watch (especially on the occasions where your claws can't quite maintain their purchase on the plastic). However, I would appreciate it if you would permit the avians -- for whom the food is provided -- a chance to feed, from time to time.

2) The 'bird cake'. This item, composed of fat and seeds, is also intended for the nutrition of our feathered friends. Once again I feel I should stress that, in the spirit of fairness to all, it would be appreciated if you would occasionally allow birds -- any birds -- some access to it. While one or two of them have realised that waiting below the cake for your scraps can be profitable, you are denying the others their rightful shares.

Finally, I would like to address a minor issue that has been raised with regards to your attitude. Generally, if the garden's custodian approaches the window -- situated, as you will doubtless recall, only a few feet from the feeding stations described above -- and raps sharply on it, you may take it as read that you are requested to vacate the premises and allow access to others. It is not a signal for you to look up, cheeks bulging and seed clasped in your ravening little claws, stare arrogantly for a moment, and then resume stuffing your face.

I remain, Sir, yours sincerely...